Frozen in Shame

I did not post last week. I have been a little busy with a few things:

• Changing jobs (this is a great thing but has proved to be time consuming)
• Poison Ivy (or poison oak or poison sumac or whatever... it is annoying)
• Being depressed. This picture should say it all...

He should have won! I was so excited about posting last Sunday.... until I watched the Oscars. I had put so much into the Oscars this year that I was totally distraught when some of my picks did not win.  Although I took this pretty hard, I am proud of myself for being vulnerable. I have a tendency not to get emotionally invested out of fear. I play the "what if" game. What if I get disappointed? What if they reject me? What if I get hurt? 

Well I am doing better now and I am so excited about this week's post. My experience last week actually is a great segue. The movie and the topic are two of my favorites!

F R O Z E N

Is there anything bigger than this movie right now to toddlers and adults alike? If you don't know the answer to that question then you should probably watch the movie and this video from The Tonight Show this week:

That Jimmy Fallon! He knows what he is doing!

My husband and I took our niece to see this movie and we loved it! (I think we loved it more than she did at first. By the way, please do yourself a favor and ask a 3 year old to sing their favorite song from this movie. You will not regret it!) I am a Disney fan but especially when they have a female heroine (a side effect of being a social worker and growing up with The Spice Girls). The film is based on the Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale The Snow Queen. The story is about two sisters, one who wants nothing more than to explore the world and one who wants nothing to do with it. Elsa is a girl trapped by fear and shame. Since birth she has possessed powers that allow her to create icy and snow; however, her parents had her conceal her powers out of fear that she may hurt people or they might reject her. 

Elsa is ashamed of who she is. She is fearful of what she may become. She is misunderstood by her sister and her peers. Wait are we still talking about the movie...? Sound too familiar? How often do we shield ourselves or our children out of the things we love out of fear of the unknown? 

Shame is something that we are all haunted by. It may be shame about our past, our circumstances, our capabilities, or just about who we are or more often, are not. Shame and fear are common themes in therapy. They are feelings that none of us are immune from. They are often linked to our self-esteem and self-worth. Our shame fuels fear.

One of my favorite authors calls herself a "shame researcher/story-teller." Dr. Brenè Brown is the expert on shame and vulnerability. If you don't believe me, just watch this video (it is 20 minutes and worth it):

Now that you have done that, do yourself another favor and go buy one or all of her books. They are some kind of powerful. I highly recommend this one: 

She talks about living "wholeheartedly" and has tons of research to back up what it means to be wholehearted. The wholehearted are not controlled by fear and shame like Elsa. 

Kids are very perceptive and I think one thing they can tune into is authenticity. When I asked my niece which princess she liked better in Frozen, she chose Anna. I think Anna is an example of someone living wholeheartedly mainly because she does not let fear consume her. Now, this is not to say she always makes the right decisions (Being engaged to someone she just met, but can you really blame her? She is only doing what Disney princesses have taught her, cough Ariel, Belle, Snow White, etc. cough). If you are an Anna, teach the rest of us your ways!

Elsa represents the rest of us. Those of us who may have been robbed from life by our shame. Those of us worried about what others might think of us. Those of us who busy ourselves because we "should" or run 10 miles a day because we "should" or get a Ph.D. because we "should." We should ourselves because what we do, or even who we are, never feels like enough. We play the "what if" game. What if they found out who I really am?What if they knew what I did? What I have been through? 

This is shame.

 Elsa's shame and fear was fueled by her parents. The message they sent her was that she wasn't only "not enough" (a message that may sound familiar) but "too much." Who was it that told you that you were not enough? Was it your parents? Grandparents? Sibling? Teacher? Pastor? Friend? Crush? Boss? Co-worker? Yourself? This shame message keeps us hidden, much like Elsa. 

Brenè talks about how the only way shame can grow is if it is kept in the dark. Once it is exposed, it can't control us anymore. This is scary. Real scary. Exposing shame is usually a breakthrough moment in therapy. It is an awesome experience to watch someone free themselves of the bondage of fear and shame. It is one of my favorite parts of being a therapist.

In case you never want to become a therapist, Disney has provided you the opportunity to watch this happen via cartoons. With the help of her sister, Elsa exposes her shame or "let's it go" if you will. She reveals her whole self and no longer puts restrictions on who she is. 

Years of fear about what might happen if she let herself be free to feel and express herself robbed her of the joys of life and friendship. How often do we do this ourselves? I have to be honest. My disappointments from the Oscars upset me more than I am willing to admit. But I would rather live fully invested in my life with disappointments than guarded from my feelings. When you try to shield yourself from pain, you also rob yourself of joy.

You better believe I am anxiously awaiting my joy of Leonardo DiCaprio winning Best Actor from the Academy in 2015! #leo2015

I could talk about this topic forever and will most likely talk about it again in the future. It is a challenge for my each and every day. My question for you is are you hiding in your shame? What's holding you back?

Speak your shame. Push away your fear. Free yourself. Let it go.