Hungry for Hope

I thought with the recent release of Catching Fire it was only appropriate to pay tribute (I did not even catch this pun until I was proofreading! I am subconsciously punny.) to The Hunger Games. If you didn't jump on the bandwagon a few years ago, swallow your pride and do so. The books are entertaining for any age and the movie is worth seeing if only to fall more in love with Jennifer Lawrence. 

Hope is a central theme in the trilogy. The clip above pretty much lays it out there. The annual Hunger Games occur because of a revolt by one of the districts when they tried to overthrow the Capitol (government basically). This video might explain it better than I can:

As long as there is a Hunger Games, all hope is lost. The games keep people in fear for their lives and the lives of their children. This fear drives out any hope for a better life and keeps people stuck in their districts. As President Snow said in the first clip, "Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is fine as long as it is contained." This is true for our lives as well.

Hope is essential in therapy. I have had this frame hanging in my office since I first started seeing clients. Many people seek therapy because they have lost hope. Therapy is a way to gain it back. I put this in my very first office because I believe in its necessity. It is also my desire as a therapist to help empower people to find their hope again. It is not an eye-catching painting but very few clients have ever gone without noticing it. Just seeing it so plainly may light the spark that one needs. It resonates with us because it is something we are all grasping for, especially if we find ourselves in a valley of some sort.

Whenever I think of hope, I can't help but think of one of the best books I have ever read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. The book is about the true events of his survival of the Holocaust. Everyone can benefit from reading this book. As I was looking for an image of the book I ran across this one. This is different than the cover of the book I own; however, it is perfect for this post because of the quote on the front, "The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust."

(Just a side note: If you are trying to decide if you should watch The Hunger Games or read this book, I would say do both. In the long run though, your life is going to benefit greatly by reading this book as opposed to seeing Liem Hemsworth for only 10 minutes of a 2 hour movie. So, if you have to chose, I would choose V. Frankl.)

I will leave you with one of the best known quotes from this book which I think sums up not only our need for hope, but also its power in any circumstance we may be facing today or in the future.

“Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Find your 'why'. Find a way to spark your hope to where you become dangerous enough to face any 'how'. 

Attached to Philomena

I got the idea to start this blog on a Sunday evening weeks ago when I went to see Philomena since it was nominated for best picture. I was not sure what I was in for, but I am forever grateful for this movie because it was an inspiration to me. It inspired me to start this blog, but more importantly it gave me hope during a very confusing time. 

I love books. I mean really love books. I should have been an editor because I would be content just reading all day, every day. The only thing I knew about this film prior to seeing it was that it was based on a true story (which I love. ps. Leo is also a fan of films based on true stories if you look at his movie roles) which had been made into a book (which I also love). Sometimes when I am reading books I like to think about how the director would shoot the scenes I am reading. (Nerd Alert: I just finished reading Divergent and I am skeptical that they will be able to portray the scenes on film as well as I did in my head. Just saying.)

Philomena is based on a true story about a woman who is looking for her son whom she has been separated from for decades. Philomena (played by Judi Dench who, like Leo, should have won an oscar for her role in this film. Shame on you Academy.) is a teenage mother who raises her son in a Catholic boarding school in Ireland. I do not want to give the movie away but I must tell you this piece in order to discuss my point so SPOILER ALERT: the nuns put up her son for adoption and kept the money! I could not believe that something like this actually happened. And by NUNS! (This is not a good movie for nuns by the way. Luckily they have redeeming films like Sister Act, Sister Act II, and The Sound of Music. Watch one of these after you see Philomena to regain some faith in humanity.)

Although Philomena's son was a little older than children who usually develop an attachment disorder (he looks to be about 2 or so), this film got me thinking about it. From what the film showed, it appeared that Philomena was giving her son everything he needed, until he was taken away against her will. Depending on what his new living situation was like, he could have developed an attachment disorder due to: persistent disregard for the child's emotional needs for comfort & affection, persistent disregard for the child's physical needs, and repeated change of primary caregivers that prevent the formation of healthy attachments. Web MD describes attachment like this: 

Attachment develops when a child is repeatedly soothed, comforted, and cared for, and when the caregiver consistently meets the child's needs. It is through attachment with a loving and protective caregiver that a young child learns to love and trust others, to become aware of others' feelings and needs, to regulate his or her emotions, and to develop healthy relationships and a positive self-image. The absence of emotional warmth during the first few years of life can negatively affect a child's entire future.

I have actually been thinking about attachment a lot over the past few weeks. This week was my last at a job in a residential treatment center for homeless women. A lot of the "magic" of therapy is based on the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist. For anyone who has ever been in therapy, or even if you just have some really good relationships, you know that a bond is built when you share deep secrets, emotions, or experiences with someone. The middle highlighted sentence above is always my hope for anyone's therapeutic experience. Therapy should be an empowering journey where we learn to love ourselves, trust others, develop empathy (or at the least awareness), how to regulate our emotions, how to develop healthy relationships, and how to see ourselves in a positive manner. As I spent the last few weeks transitioning my clients, our bond was at the forefront of my mind. I wanted to make sure that our "detachment" so to speak would not feel like a disregard for their emotional needs, physical needs (I was also their case manager), or prevent them from developing healthy attachments due to a change in care. Very few people welcome change but I have faith that the women I was working with will do just fine this week, and the week after that, and the week after that. 

Philomena had some guts. It took guts to dive into the unknown (what I believe to be the scariest thing for us humans) and search for her son. In watching her search, she gave me guts too. It took guts for me to start this blog and not worry about how people my think or react to it. It took guts to leave my job and pursue a new one. It takes guts to be vulnerable and actually type these words, but it is worth it. I do not want to live a life where I don't have to exercise my guts. I am thankful for Philomena and for her guts. Her story has been an inspiration to me in many ways. I hope you will allow her to inspire you as well. 

Frozen in Shame

I did not post last week. I have been a little busy with a few things:

• Changing jobs (this is a great thing but has proved to be time consuming)
• Poison Ivy (or poison oak or poison sumac or whatever... it is annoying)
• Being depressed. This picture should say it all...

He should have won! I was so excited about posting last Sunday.... until I watched the Oscars. I had put so much into the Oscars this year that I was totally distraught when some of my picks did not win.  Although I took this pretty hard, I am proud of myself for being vulnerable. I have a tendency not to get emotionally invested out of fear. I play the "what if" game. What if I get disappointed? What if they reject me? What if I get hurt? 

Well I am doing better now and I am so excited about this week's post. My experience last week actually is a great segue. The movie and the topic are two of my favorites!

F R O Z E N

Is there anything bigger than this movie right now to toddlers and adults alike? If you don't know the answer to that question then you should probably watch the movie and this video from The Tonight Show this week:

That Jimmy Fallon! He knows what he is doing!

My husband and I took our niece to see this movie and we loved it! (I think we loved it more than she did at first. By the way, please do yourself a favor and ask a 3 year old to sing their favorite song from this movie. You will not regret it!) I am a Disney fan but especially when they have a female heroine (a side effect of being a social worker and growing up with The Spice Girls). The film is based on the Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale The Snow Queen. The story is about two sisters, one who wants nothing more than to explore the world and one who wants nothing to do with it. Elsa is a girl trapped by fear and shame. Since birth she has possessed powers that allow her to create icy and snow; however, her parents had her conceal her powers out of fear that she may hurt people or they might reject her. 

Elsa is ashamed of who she is. She is fearful of what she may become. She is misunderstood by her sister and her peers. Wait are we still talking about the movie...? Sound too familiar? How often do we shield ourselves or our children out of the things we love out of fear of the unknown? 

Shame is something that we are all haunted by. It may be shame about our past, our circumstances, our capabilities, or just about who we are or more often, are not. Shame and fear are common themes in therapy. They are feelings that none of us are immune from. They are often linked to our self-esteem and self-worth. Our shame fuels fear.

One of my favorite authors calls herself a "shame researcher/story-teller." Dr. Brenè Brown is the expert on shame and vulnerability. If you don't believe me, just watch this video (it is 20 minutes and worth it):

Now that you have done that, do yourself another favor and go buy one or all of her books. They are some kind of powerful. I highly recommend this one: 

She talks about living "wholeheartedly" and has tons of research to back up what it means to be wholehearted. The wholehearted are not controlled by fear and shame like Elsa. 

Kids are very perceptive and I think one thing they can tune into is authenticity. When I asked my niece which princess she liked better in Frozen, she chose Anna. I think Anna is an example of someone living wholeheartedly mainly because she does not let fear consume her. Now, this is not to say she always makes the right decisions (Being engaged to someone she just met, but can you really blame her? She is only doing what Disney princesses have taught her, cough Ariel, Belle, Snow White, etc. cough). If you are an Anna, teach the rest of us your ways!

Elsa represents the rest of us. Those of us who may have been robbed from life by our shame. Those of us worried about what others might think of us. Those of us who busy ourselves because we "should" or run 10 miles a day because we "should" or get a Ph.D. because we "should." We should ourselves because what we do, or even who we are, never feels like enough. We play the "what if" game. What if they found out who I really am?What if they knew what I did? What I have been through? 

This is shame.

 Elsa's shame and fear was fueled by her parents. The message they sent her was that she wasn't only "not enough" (a message that may sound familiar) but "too much." Who was it that told you that you were not enough? Was it your parents? Grandparents? Sibling? Teacher? Pastor? Friend? Crush? Boss? Co-worker? Yourself? This shame message keeps us hidden, much like Elsa. 

Brenè talks about how the only way shame can grow is if it is kept in the dark. Once it is exposed, it can't control us anymore. This is scary. Real scary. Exposing shame is usually a breakthrough moment in therapy. It is an awesome experience to watch someone free themselves of the bondage of fear and shame. It is one of my favorite parts of being a therapist.

In case you never want to become a therapist, Disney has provided you the opportunity to watch this happen via cartoons. With the help of her sister, Elsa exposes her shame or "let's it go" if you will. She reveals her whole self and no longer puts restrictions on who she is. 

Years of fear about what might happen if she let herself be free to feel and express herself robbed her of the joys of life and friendship. How often do we do this ourselves? I have to be honest. My disappointments from the Oscars upset me more than I am willing to admit. But I would rather live fully invested in my life with disappointments than guarded from my feelings. When you try to shield yourself from pain, you also rob yourself of joy.

You better believe I am anxiously awaiting my joy of Leonardo DiCaprio winning Best Actor from the Academy in 2015! #leo2015

I could talk about this topic forever and will most likely talk about it again in the future. It is a challenge for my each and every day. My question for you is are you hiding in your shame? What's holding you back?

Speak your shame. Push away your fear. Free yourself. Let it go.